Thanks to Dave’s timely advice I’ve created a new daily regime that should keep me in optimal shape more or less indefinitely. After all, taking care of your health should always be a prime concern, especially once you’re staring 50 in the face. What’s more, given this diet’s almost miraculous curative properties, I thought it appropriate to share it with the world.
1 Mimosa* + 1 Bloody Mary
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so it’s best not to start off half-hearted. Champagne reduces the risk of strokes and heart attacks, while also helping to lower blood pressure. The vodka reduces stress (DUH!), cures cold sores, relieves toothache, and protects me against heart disease, so I’m basically set up for the day.
Bonus Points: Orange and tomato juices also contain stuff that’s apparently good for me.
1 Manhattan + 1 Pint of Sangria for Dessert
Whisky assists the champagne in reducing the risk of stroke, helps to sharpen my memory process (handy for work) and to keep away Alzheimer’s, while also preventing cancer at the same time. No wonder they call this stuff “The Water of Life”. Maybe I should have two Manhattans for lunch tomorrow. Meanwhile, the red wine in my dessert is well known to keep heart disease at bay, thus reinforcing the vodka.
Bonus Points: Sangria contains fruit, which has to be a good thing, right?.
2 Pints of Leffe
Beer… Where to begin? For starters the stuff actually makes you live longer. Seriously, here’s a citation, in tiny print and several thousand words long. Aside from that, Leffe will help keep my weight down, since it’s beneficial to digestive gut bacteria. Yes, Leffe is Probiotic Beer. So the next time your partner gets out the Yakult, you know what to do. And to top it all off, beer helps the whisky fight Alzheimer’s and staves off cancer. Suitably fortified, it’s time to think about some dinner.
Bonus Points: BEER!
Dinner (My Motto: “Go Big or Go Home!”):
Starter: Cuba Libre
Main: Hendricks and Tonic with cucumber, and a shot of Saki on the side
Dessert: 1 Large Cognac
Rum keeps my bones strong and prevents osteoporosis. Gin improves renal function and also keeps me looking younger, while the tonic helps me fight malaria. Saki keeps my liver in shape by warding off the cirrhosis that’s a likely side-effect of this diet. Needless to say that Saki is a very important component of Sasch’s health regime, so it might be best to have two tomorrow. Dessert stops blood clots and gallstones from forming, and aside from that it fortifies the heart benefits obtained from the wine and vodka.
Bonus Points: Cucumber draws out toxins… or something. Details are a little hazy right now.
Large Absinthe over Ice
Absinthe keeps Irritable Bowel Syndrome at bay, but, more importantly, its hallucinogenic properties help me to see what’s really happening in the world when I’m watching the news. Try it. Those 12’ Alien Reptiles David Icke is always talking about are REAL, I tell you! Just keep the Absinthe coming until you see the truth!
And there you have it! Sasch Mayer’s patented Liquid Life Plan. If you keep this up on a daily basis, I can pretty much guarantee nothing at all will ever bother you again. However, if for some unfathomable reason you should become unwell despite all my regime’s curative properties, always keep a bottle of Aquavit around. In Medieval times they used to use it to raise the dead.
There you go… Eternal Life… You’re welcome…
* That’s a Bucks Fizz, for all you Brits out there.