As you may or may not know, I travel a lot and a fair percentage of this traveling is done by car. Inevitably, when I’m on the road I do tend to frequent Walmart on a fairly regular basis. Because face it, Walmart is nothing if not consistent, and when you’re in a strange town you really don’t want to go hunting for the stuff you’re looking to buy.
So I recently spent some time in Cody, Wyoming¹, and one night I rather predictably found myself at the local Walmart in search of a couple of things for my car. Before long I was wandering toward the checkout, when a “Clearance Rail” of t-shirts caught my eye. It was filled with pseudo-eighties designs, such as Pac-Man, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Iron Maiden, KISS, and similar, all priced at a Dollar each. Curious, I decided to take a look and, browsing through the rail’s contents, a thought struck me.
“Sheet! It’s after 11 PM and here I am in Walmart going through the Buck Specials. I guess that qualifies me as a Walmartian.”
Continuing my perusal of the clearance items, I picked out a couple of t-shirts² and went on my way to the checkouts without initially giving this realization any further consideration. Then, as I rounded the corner at the front of the store, it happened. I chanced upon a genuine Walmartian.
Ghostly pale, easily six and a half feet tall with spiked black hair, and wearing enough eye-shadow to supply an army of Goths, this apparition sported a black crop-top and black jeans which had obviously been the recent target of a frenzied attack by a knife-wielding dwarf. Completing the ensemble was a pair of scuffed, formerly black steel-toe boots with their tops turned down.
Working hard to keep a straight face I passed him by and went to check out. Had I not left my phone in the car, I might have ambushed him for a photo, but that opportunity simply did not arise.
On my way back to the hotel I began to contemplate both the earlier realization and my subsequent encounter. Maybe I wasn’t a real Walmartian after all? But no, only an actual Walmartian would stop not only to look at the Dollar T-Shirts so late at night, but would then proceed to buy a couple. And yet, I was obviously not in the same league as the individual I’d nearly mowed down with my buggy, five minutes earlier.
That’s when the obvious conclusion struck me: “There are different levels of Walmartians!”
Back in my hotel room, a quick Google search turned this simple hypothesis into a testable theory. Sure enough, there are indeed five decidedly different categories of Walmartian in evidence, each more forceful than the previous one, much like Hurricane ratings on the Saffir-Simpson Scale.
However, unlike Hurricanes, which result in mere physical devastation, Walmartians actually cause pronounced mental consequences in those who observe them. And while a low-level Cat-1 or Cat-2 Walmartian will simply cause a turn of the head from normal onlookers, higher level manifestations will actually induce progressively worsening psychological effects in those who stumble upon them. Here they are, listed in ascending order.
The Sasch Mayer Walmartian Hurricane Scale:
Likely Damage: Light Bemusement in Onlookers | Cat-1 Walmartians are basically just normal well-adjusted³ folks who regularly use Walmart and its merchandise to take selfies, give fashion tips, or use Walmart parking lots as a place to sunbathe. Also included, of course, are those who physically take time out of their lives to write about Clearance T-Shirt Fetishes and Freaky Goth Encounters.
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Likely Damage: Doubletakes by some Onlookers, possible Bruising to Shins and Egos | Cat-2 Walmartians are still at least nominally ordinary individuals, who just happen to go a little crazy when confronted with Walmart merchandise. Climbing the fixtures, holding Mario Cart-style scooter races around the aisles while wearing masks, and “Walmart Fashion Shows” are variants of this category, among others.
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Likely Damage: Doubletakes by most Onlookers, potential temporary Disorientation | Cat-3 is where effects start to go beyond mild bafflement, with individuals dressing up as anything from Santa Claus to Elvis, Tony the Tiger, Mr Hanky the Christmas Poo, and even Wandering Goths. While Category 3 Walmartians are a reasonably common sight, especially around Halloween, some of these folks rank higher on the oddity scale than others, such as the fisherman shown in the gallery below.
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Likely Damage: Severe Double and Tripletakes by most Onlookers, notable Disorientation and even temporary Mental Shutdown by some individuals | This is where the manifestations officially get serious, with Cat-4 Walmartians actively affecting the physical reality of those around them. Ranging from Redneck Raiding Parties via Freak Hairdos, to Sonic The Hedgehog, Tinfoil Hatters, and People with Tails, Category Four Walmartians should not be approached by ordinary individuals under any circumstances, due to the dangers of long-term effects on sanity.
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Likely Damage: Acute Psychological Scarring in Most Onlookers, some Permanent Mental Blocks | Just as encountering Great Cthulhu, rising from his slumber in the depths, will rend the sanity of all who behold him, so Cat-5 Walmartians will cause extreme mental trauma and anguish in all onlookers.
There is no Defense.
By the time you see these apparitions it’s too late already. Laying eyes upon a Category Five Walmartian will not just leave you mentally scarred, it will actually start to devour your sanity. Turn and run immediately, and flee with whatever remains intact of your mind.
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So there you have it, a concise breakdown of different level Walmartians and the likely consequences of encountering them.
I’ve drawn rather heavily on imagery from People of Walmart as part of this post. If you feel like flaying your psyche some more, the site is home to thousands of pictures taken in Walmarts across the country. If I’ve used your image, drop me a line and I’ll give you credit, or take it down, depending on your wishes.
¹ It’s a charming tourist town that’s home to the Buffalo Bill Center of the West. If you’re into the Wild West and Western Expansion, it’s a great place to visit.
² Iron Maiden and a garish, psychedelic number, sure to induce epileptic fits in those susceptible to the condition.
³ Kind of… About as well adjusted as you can be, picking Walmart as your chosen Selfie-Venue.
Hahaha! Well done and SO true!